-never been romanced like this before.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I'm terrified. It's not as though it hasn't hit me yet, but realizing how extremely serious the consequences of my decision would be made me think twice. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to feel obliged. I didn't want to use it as a form of ransom. I didn't want it to be another 'doing things just so you will change your mind' kind of thing. Why does everything seem so oblivious to you? Fine I kept it from you yes I did. But what would the diff be? It's not something that you want so I can't force it upon you. Neither do I want you to be obligated.

I went through this for the past month or so, hoping you would see the signs without me stating the obvious.

I dunno whether it's the right choice.

If I should regretfully sacrifice one life to successfully save another.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

All i can think about is my MVA on sat. and i wonder what is really on your mind.
Apparently that means NOTHING to you. $800.

I always thought that love in a relationship would get you through anything. but obviously not through this.

terribly disappointing.

Monday, March 28, 2011

I try to act normal, be normal like everyone else when I know that this thing that I do will change my life forever. It only changes mine. Nobody else's. The guilt will stick forever. But I would rather that than to have you detest me for forcing this upon you. I can't do that. I wish I was more conniving or bitchy or hard hearted. It would be so much easier that way..

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

seeing the whole thing unravel in front of me really got me.

seeing the mother's anguish, the kid's lies, and the father's nonchalence left me in tatters.
the child's heartless words broke his mother. and it broke me when i hugged her and i felt her tears streaming down her cheeks. it took me so much control in order not to cry with her.
i may be young, but i fully empathize with how she feels. rollercoaster of emotions.

wanting her child to be beside her, yet not wanting to force.

which makes me even more adament about my decision next saturday. it's sad that i've reached this conclusion but yet I believe it's the best for you.

hopefully, it's the best for us.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

you should never ever leave people hanging like that.

i may be the not-understanding bitch to you or something like that, or demanding and not easily pleased. but i've compromised til i cant compromise anymore.

at least you are able to sleep better at night without my constant whining or complaining about equality of rights. to tell you the truth, i can barely sleep. thinking about next weekend makes me sick to my stomach, literally. i wish you knew and could be there to hold my hand. wish that you could ease my guilt. but i can't tell you. i can't do anything.

if i wanted revenge, it would be so damn easy. just reverse my decision and wait for responsibility to be taken. you might hate me for it. you would wonder why i would leave you with this pile of crap if i really did love you. however, you tell me that you love me.
but, do you love me enough?


will you still love me tomorrow, the day after or rather, 10 years on?

Friday, March 18, 2011

speaking to her was the same as speaking to an OR.
hollow, inaffectionate, clinical, precise.

which didnt make things much better though. she told me to think through before the 2nd visit and she gave me references for consultations if i needed to speak to someone about this decision. its just a different method for the procedure.

this same thing happened to someone 10 years ago, and i never knew it would ever happen to me.

i can't imagine how it would be like.

honest to God, i would pray for it to be as painless as possible..

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

everyday i will wake with a damn fucked up feeling within me. and it wont change for a while. when the said fucked up feeling emerges as a huge sense of guilt. how the fuck will this change, please just fucking tell me. i dont fucking unload anymore and i wont. I WONT. i swore to myself i will NEVER "do things just to make you stay" so this, i will take on myself. i don't fucking deserve this, but who am i to say what i deserve? all i have to fucking do now is to occupy myself instead of just thinking of a fucking way to go through this fucked up shit. seriously. i will never again ask for anything. if a small thing cannot be accomplished, i am very sure this is way too much to ask for. i will just fuck my own life up. yours not included.


Al called me last week and i told him about my plans for a trip.
now, i just hope i emotionally recover in time for that. if not, i will just wreck my entire holiday.
and honestly, who the fuck wants to fuck up a trip to San Francisco? definitely not me.



its interesting how when i try to minimise your guilt, i pile on mine.

fuck i just cant stop crying every night.

Monday, March 14, 2011

White lies are minor lies which could be considered to be harmless, or even beneficial, in the long term. White lies are also considered to be used for greater good.

white bloody lies.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

i don't know how to tell you some stuff, so i keep it inside.



i miss you so badly, but i just don't know how to tell you.

everything hurts so much, i wonder if it would ever stop hurting at all.

i never really quite understood my friends' "obsession" with being part of a cabin crew. Probably the fact that they are very unhappy with their current jobs and the glitz and glamour that entails it are pretty much appealing to them.
I admit, travelling is THE factor in wanting it, but it definitely screws up your body clock. You go to London and you come back, wondering what time you should fall asleep.
You want glitz and glamour? Just walk along Beverly Hills/shop in Rodeo Drive/club in Hollywood. Aren't they the same? And you're not even working! Would love to bump into Andrew Garfield at the beach or along the streets while I'm people-watching at some cafe.
And Mao Shihui is going to Yale. Lucky thing. Would bug her to bring home some See's candies when she flies back. Al has once again proven his persistent little point the last time we talked.
Seriously, A DOG?! that would really be the icing on the cake. Recommended a golden retriever since he asked.

I dreamt that my cousin, Michael, became a doctor! Ooh, fancy fancy. He looked good in his blue scrubs though. Reminds me of the time Margaret and him brought Stephen and I to Krispy Kreme in SF. Heavenly smells wafting through the air made the cold air so much easier to bear. Beats Famous Amos ANYTIME. Regret not heading into the F21 boutique then, but I sure as hell would drag my cheap Singaporean ass in the same time I pass by.
Miss the barking of the seals on Pier 39, chomping a HUGE Churros along the way. What can I say, I'm a sucker for this through and through.

It feels strange that I keep thinking that I am afraid I would bump into Geon whenever I go there. The same damn corner with the non-existent communication.
I hope Zc is fine though, he was a mess yesterday. Addie was dressed all prim & proper, I wonder why cos he's supposed to be THE queen on Handbag Night. Strange.


I talk here so I do not so much as "unload" a sentence onto you anymore, so we dont quarrel. I'm sure that is fine by both of us and it sure makes things easier for you. Wanting something so much from you was my downfall. Led me into this predicament. I would no longer try "do things to make you stay". That sentence bugs me every single night. Can't believe thats what you truly think of me. Since all we've been doing is not to salvage "us", wouldn't it be better for me to keep things fine and dandy, just the way you want it to be? Act like there's not a care in the world...

Meredith: [voiceover] Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple - to be happy. Maybe it's this expectation though of wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to states of bliss, the more confused we get - to the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling - trying to be the happy people we wish we were. Until it eventually hits us, it's been there all along. Not in our dreams or our hopes but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar.

Friday, March 11, 2011

i had absolutely the worst dream last night. coupled with the nausea this morning, i am pretty sure what the signs are. i dreamt that i miscarried. what kind of fucked up dream is that?!



i will not drag you through trauma with me. because trauma, we all face it alone.

you live with the decisions you make.